Family Is Holy
		Bickering At Home

There is no unit of human beings more committed to one another than that of the family. Comrades in a military unit are committed to one another - their lives depend on it. Co-workers in a business toil for a common purpose. My teenaged son may breathlessly jump in the car after hockey practice, exclaiming, "I love my team!" There is no question, there is nothing like the rush of knowing that you are part of a unit that has a single goal in mind and each part of the unit is working toward that end.

But hockey seasons, wars, and even jobs all come to an end. Family is eternal. As a mom, I feel it critical to do what I can to protect my family from the stresses and strains of the outside world, while nurturing each of us from the inside. Easier said than done, that's for sure!

In a way, protecting from the outside is the easy part. In our own family, it has meant making a concerted effort to cut back on the number of after school/work activities. No longer is each child committed to an after school activity. We limit it to one activity a week, plus a sport.

Early on in this parenting game, I thought I was short-changing my children if I didn't offer them outside opportunities. Here's a list of some of the activities we've gone through:

Soccer Computer classes Art Lessons Piano Lacrosse Nature Classes

Hockey Camp Tumbling Gymnastics (yup, they say that’s different from tumbling?) Tennis Squash Horseback Riding

And, there's probably more that I just can't remember any more!

Cutting back isn't easy - and chances are your community is filled with those uber-parents who seem to have little Janie and Jeffie on the fast track to future success by enrolling them in every "mind-expanding" activity known to man. But are Janie and Jeffie happy? Are Janie and Jeffie ever having the chance to sit in the same room with mom and dad and read a book? Chances are, by the time Janie and Jeffie are done with their activities AND their homework (more on THAT subject to come!) AND have had dinner AND their baths, Janie and Jeffie don't know which way is up. And chances are, Janie and Jeffie aren't very happy either. Protect that holy institution known as your family, by making sure your family has time to do the most important thing imaginable: be together.

Imagine for a second a car alarm down the street has been activated. ERRRNK-ERRRNK-ERRRNK. It is incessant. Like a power tool in your brain, the constant bleat of the horn digs deeper and deeper, driving you to distraction. You'd give anything to make it stop. And there is nothing you can do.

It's sort of the same when your kids are constantly bickering at each other. Endless. Incessant. That whiney tone and the non-stop badgering digs deeper and deeper into your brain, driving you distraction, elevating your blood pressure - and then - before you know it, you've become EVIL PARENT! You know who evil parent is. That person who looks like you but has a ghastly voice that shrieks at the children, "You stop that this instant!" And yet, they continue. I hate it. I hate me when I become evil parent. I hate that I have allowed those little people take control over me and push me over the edge like that.

If they would stop, I reasoned, I wouldn't turn into evil parent. But how, I wondered?

The good news is, your children are reasoning, thinking beings, even if they rarely give evidence of this fact! It occurred to me, if I appealed to the reasoning side of my kids, rather than the emotional side (screaming wasn't working anyway!), perhaps I'd have better success.

Check out this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"Words are like sunbeams. The more tightly they're focused, the more deeply they burn."

With that as my premise, this is what I told my kids. And it worked!

I said, "There is no one in the whole wide world who loves you more than your family. Friends and teachers care about you, but they will come and go. No matter how long you live, as long as you live, you will have your family. They will always be there for you, no matter what."

I continued, "You can never make me stop loving you. You can disappoint me. You can frustrate me. You can infuriate me. But you can never make me stop loving you. And because I love you, when you are mean to me, it hurts much worse than when someone at work is mean to me. It hurts my feelings, yes. But it doesn't hurt my heart. It hurts my heart when you are mean."

"And it's the same for your brother or sister. If a friend is not nice at school, it is disappointing. Like this: I held my fingers open about an inch. But if you are not nice to your brother or sister, it's like this: And I held my arms open as wide as I could. Because they care so much about you and love you, when you aren't kind, it hurts even worse."

"Being mean doesn't make you feel good, does it?" I asked. "No," was the reply. "In fact, I feel kind of bad when I am mean."

"I know, it's the same for me too." I assured my child. "On the other hand, when you are nice, like those little I love you notes you write, it's way more wonderful than a note from someone else, because I love YOU so much! It means so much more for you to do or say something nice to me because I care so much about you. And it's the same for your brother and sister."

I then encouraged my child to do an experiment. Do something nice for his sibling and see how he felt. He agreed. It feels a lot better to be sweet than sour.

The bickering hasn't ended at home. But it's diminished a bit. For that, this mom at least, is very grateful!